Last year, life was going pretty great. Sure, I mean, it wasn’t perfect. Second semester last year was probably my most hated university semester of them all. And yet, I got through it. I was looking forward at my last study year left before I head out into the big wide world. And for the first time, that thought didn’t scare me.
So, hello all. How is everyone going? I’ve pretty much disappeared over the last month or two. Though it’s felt like several months. Is the world still spinning? I never intended this blog to contain any current events of my life. Partially because it might be read by people I know, which could be awkward, but mainly because I’m quite private, not matter how much I trust or know you. So, I’ll be deliberately vague on some points.
I was approaching 2016 with enthusiasm. I planned to join a new Christian group at uni, and actually socialise a bit more and meet new people. I signed up to be a leader at a local Girls’ Brigade, despite being nervous about working with children. And I started this blog, planning to post once-a-month or so, at least to begin with.
Near the end of last year I had an appointment with my psychologist, and I was feeling great. My anxiety was under my control, I was looking forward to pushing myself in new directions. She was just about to go on maternal leave and I thought, what better timing? She left me with the name of a substitute psychologist, which I dutifully noted while confident in my chances of not needing it.
Photo by Luke Zeme
And it all came crashing down…
It’s scary how easily such big parts of your life can be ripped from your control. In less than a month, I lost two very important things to me, and one big thing I relied a lot on. I don’t even know how to describe the pain and stress this year as been, except that it honestly feels like October. After losing the first thing I was already feeling sick and barely sleeping.
My sense of time is a mess. I just can’t say “well, this happened x weeks ago, and that y days ago”. I’d honestly have to sit down and look at my calendar and think for a bit. It’s the strangest thing having everyone around say “wow, I can’t believe it’s May already! Where did the time go?” Because, normally I’m like that too. We all get that. But not this year. This year I see the date and think “What, really, only May? Haven’t I dealt with enough already to fill my quota for the year?”
When mum got sick, it was worse. My sense of time didn’t exist. The concept was foreign to me. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. Aside from that, however, this year has probably hit me worse than any other time in my life. It’s only May. I still haven’t fully come to terms with any of my losses. I have that journey to look forward to over the next few months.
I knew from the start, though, that the overwhelming stress wasn’t because I was useless, or didn’t work hard enough at all the strategies years of therapy has taught me. Anyone as sensitive as me, even after decades of therapy, would probably have the same experience, given what has been lost.
It’s not about the lemons
The worst thing is the lack of control. It’s funny how much we rely on the illusion that we can control our life, and the events around it. But, that’s how most of us live. In a stroke of fate, my family are currently re-watching House M. D. TV series and there was an episode that really struck me.
Now, this is when House is actually clean, and trying to live a decent life. He has to perform an emergency amputation at the sight of a building collapse. It all goes as well as it could, and he rushes into the ambulance with his patient. On the way, she dies. An uncommon complication of surgery, that couldn’t be predicted or fixed. A complication that could’ve happened even in a proper, sterile room with all the right equipment and half a dozen nurses.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Dr Foreman told House. “You did everything right.”
And then the response:
“That’s the point! I did everything right, and she still died.”
This really hit me. I’m much the same. I get life isn’t all rainbows and sunrises. I get that horrible stuff happens. And while I don’t enjoy it when life throws lemons, that’s not what really shakes me up. What unbalances me is when I thought I did everything right. When I look back and I still can’t see how I could’ve done things better. And when I look forward I can’t see how to fix it. I just have to roll with it. And nothing I ever did or could do would help.
I’ll admit, one of the important things I lost was in part due to my actions. And I took those actions with eyes wide open, fully aware that I was doing damage. But I did so to achieve a deeper level of connection, and always holding back enough so that I was confident the connection wouldn’t snap completely. And even looking back after the shock of the snap, I still don’t see what caused it. I don’t see at what point I stepped over the line. If I went back in time, I wouldn’t be able to change anything.
On the chair
I booked a psychology appointment about a month ago, and unfortunately the first available time was a couple of days ago. So while waiting, I cried in the shower, I cried at church – I actually almost burnt myself at church, unable to hold a tea cup straight due to sleep deprivation – and I made sure that I had time every day to read, re-watch my favourite series or just have a break from it all. And I lived each day as it came.
It wasn’t until my psychologist reminded me of how well I’d been when we last met that I remembered myself. I suppose that is what inspired this post, after long dusty weeks of silence. How my state of mind and circumstances has changed so drastically in just a few months.
So I got right into it, telling her all that had happened. That’s the thing many don’t get about psychologists. You’ve got to open up straight away. With other people, you get to know them, gain their trust and slowly reveal yourself. I’ve heard so many say that they went a couple of times to see a psychologist, but didn’t feel like they were getting anything out of it. Of course. Physiologists aren’t mind readers. You have to give them so much before they can start helping you.
Silver linings
The last couple of months haven’t been all doom-and-gloom. I’ve missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do because my utter lack of mental, emotional and physical energy. However, two shining spots are worth mentioning.
Firstly, I got myself an internship at Brisbane Writers Festival, which is exactly where I wanted to be. The staff there are super nice, and I’m enjoying my days in office and am learning heaps, particularly on the days I’ve actually had sleep. Thanks to some light sleeping pills, those days are becoming more and more frequent.
What’s also exciting, is that just before everything went pear-shaped, I submitted a short memoir piece to a Writer’s Edit, who are about to bring out their Kindling III anthology. I wrote the piece last year, about those first few months when mum got sick. And, it’s been short-listed! Basically, I’m working with one of their editors now, and once all short-listed pieces have been edited, they’ll select the ones to be published.
I actually also wrote an article recently to go on their awesome writing blog, and they asked to feature that in Kindling III instead of posting online! Last year they published another article of mine in Kindling II, and I’m super keen to be working with them again. It’s due to be released November this year – check it out if you can!
K. J. Bagnall 